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pltkcelestial18's Journal

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	2008.02.10 03.54 Household drama so there's household drama....yea isn't there always when you have a group of ppl living together? it just seems like it's getting worse. i live with 4 friends in a 2 bedroom...i sleep on the couch...why do i stay here? because i can't afford to live elsewhere. it's so frustrating because if i could, i would live on my own. i'm so damn tired of living with other ppl. there's been so much drama and it's so complicated now. i'm not even sure what to say or how to explain it. i'm just to the point where i don't care anymore. i want to just get away from it. i want to live by myself. but i can't...and i'm frustrated because i have no where to turn.. if i tried to talk to my family about it, they'd just want me to move back home which i have no intention of doing...especially now that i'm getting back into school. i feel like i can't even talk to my roommates because i don't want to bother them about it...they're having to deal with the drama too and probably would rather just block it out when possible. i sometimes wish that some...being would come and like save me or something...not that it would ever happen. eh...i guess there's really nothing else to say



	2007.11.18 16.50 My weekend...wow I went to the Texas Renaissance Faire yesterday and it was so much fun. Well the first half of the day I spent hanging out with some of my friends and went to a few of the shows. One of the shows we went to, I was sitting next to a guy that looked almost just like Jack Sparrow and I took a picture(will post picture later). I told my friend that it's probably the closest I'll ever get to anyone that even looks like Johnny Depp. At that point, it was the highlight of my day, but I was finding myself rather bored and wanting to find the bagpipes, but I was slightly wary of wandering off by myself. Finally around 3:30 I wandered off alone and finally found the bagpipes, so I mostly tried to be around the bagpipes. I watched them at around 4ish and then their show at 5, and got a hug from a sweaty half-naked scotsman (who was the lead..person, in the bagpipe band..don't know what to call it) then I went to the firework display, where the bagpipes were being played, and then as I was leaving the fairegrounds, the bagpipes were right outside the entrance so I hung out watching them again, and bought a CD, got it signed and a photo with the same sweaty, half-naked scotsman(which I will also post later). :D I really enjoyed the bagpipes. The energy was amazing and the sound is so relaxing. I've decided if I ever get married, I want bagpipes and drums to play at my wedding and reception. I want musicians that have the same kind of energy these people had at Ren Faire. At their 5:00 show, they were giving $20 male Scottish lap dances, and letting some of the women who paid lay down to see what was up their kilts. At some of the other performances, the crowd would circle around and kids and adults alike would go dancing around them. It was just absolutely amazing watching them. It's something that's really hard to describe..something you'd have to see live. If you ever get the chance to go to Ren Faire or to see bagpipes live, go for it. It's the best experience ever.



	2007.08.14 00.13 slightly terrified you know i've never actually been worried about someone attacking me until now. Right now, I have two more of my friends living with me so now it's five of us; Me, my original roommate, his girlfriend, and two of my friends that are a couple. lately my rm's g/f has been kind of pissy. where to start.....one thing that annoyed me about her was...when she first moved in, I always cleaned the kitchen...like every day and she started bitching about it to my rm and my friends about how she doesn't like me cleaning it so much and she wants to clean it her way...so i stopped and was like whatever....well the other day we were looking for 3 bedrooms(don't know why, my rm wants to break up with this bitch) and i pointed out how one place didn't have a dishwasher...you know just in passing observation and she was all like "boo hoo so what, it's not like anyone helps clean the kitchen at the apartment, i grew up not having a dishwasher" shit like that....i never had a dishwasher growing up either and i was always doing the damn dishes in my house and when she does clean the kitchen here, it's only like every three days...so partly to piss her off i decided to start cleaning the kitchen everyday again...then like friday, when my rm was at work and the bitch was watching TV, i figured i'd play WoW on his computer and i told her what i was doing, and even though i didn't mean to i ended up staying on his computer for like 2 or more hours, and right before i got off, she said to me "it doesn't take two hrs to do one thing" i told my roommate later that if she really wanted to use the computer, she could have come told me and i would have gotten off. My computer lags really bad in some parts of WoW so i wanted to get as much done while i was on his computer.....and then the other night one of my friends staying here erased the message off the dry erase board and the next morning she put up there "don't erase the board" so me being bored and inquisitive asked "why? it was all old stuff anyways" and then she erased that and put up "because, I don't like the board bare" and then put up some random fact from my rm..and me now being sarcastic and wanting to mess with her because i don't like her put up "it's really not that big of a deal" drawing an arrow to her message.. then she erased that and put up "you know what, FUCK YOU!" and me being even more sarcastic and bitchy put "no thanks, that's ok"....again she erases the board and put what's up there now "look here, I am about to bust your motherfuckin face open. So you need to back OFF" yea she's that much of a bitch...i was just messing around with her and yea i know i was being a little bitchy but that's a bit extreme. so now i'm at the point where i'm just goign to barricade myself in my room and lock it to anyone outside it because i don't want her to come in my room in the middle of the night and hurt me....i'm more afraid of just being in the apartment alone with her and i don't want to leave because i don't want her to hurt the pets or any of my stuff or my friends' stuff. my rm is starting to find out that people don't like his new girlfriend and he doesn't seem to understand why people never seem to like the girls he ends up with....well you know what....they all liked me! why couldn't he've stayed with me.....and apparently she thinks we barricade ourselves in my bedroom to be away from her during the day then come out at night to hang out with my roomie when all we're doing is playing WoW and when I come out of my room it's usually because i'm bored and yea honestly i'd rather not deal with her but normally when i wake up i get on WoW for a while then i start getting a little bored with it and go to the living room and around that time my roomie is home. she also thinks i'm competing with her to get him back, which there is no competition here because he doesn't want to be with her anymore. she also apparently thinks i look at him in a way that says i want him.....i'm tempted to talk to her and tell her that i'm not trying to compete with her and explain to her what we're doing in my room all day and why it seems we only come out when he's home, but i don't want it to escalate to the point where she attacks me....but if she does try to attack me, i'm calling the cops....i'm not really sure if i should just call like tomorrow and show them the last message she left on there. well that's all for now... on another kind of funny note...a couple of friends and I were on our way back from Houston after getting the last harry potter book and we made a pit stop at this convience store and i took a picture of their outragously priced gas price...note that price is one...a single gas price Mood: distressed



	2007.07.25 14.05 WTF!? grrr....dammit I hate this all. Things yesterday got very dramatic and they had a huge fight and she even said she wanted to leave Da'kotah. Da'kotah and I had planned to go look for jobs together, because he lost his because of her and I just need a better paying job so after all was said and done, we went to one place and filled out an application and while we were there, we kissed and such and things were looking up for me, like she was definitely going to leave and we'd probably get back together. I was so happy. After we got done we went back home and then left again in like ten minutes to go get ice cream with our two friends/new roommates and kissed and stuff in the car too. Well I went to work, wondering what things would be like when I got home. When I got off I was afraid of going back home, afraid that they'd be back together. And I was right. She decided to get "rid" of the kids and try to work things out with him. From what my roomie Amanda said, he said he knew it wouldn't work out. I'm so freaking frustrated. I wish he had never told me the things he did, getting my hopes up. I just wish all this drama would end. I can understand he's probably a bit confused, because on one hand he still has feelings for her and cares about her but on the other hand, he's getting fed up with the kids and with her attitude. She doesn't trust him because she's always had bad luck with guys and always talks about how she's not good enough and crap like that, stuff Da'kotah doesn't like. Then yesterday she "attempted" suicide, I think for attention and to try to guilt trip Da'kotah into keeping her there, which again Da'kotah doesn't like. I know I should just wait it out but I just don't know how long I'm willing to wait. I know with the way things are going with them, they will eventually fall out. oh well. hopefully things will get better soon.



	2007.07.23 22.30 Confusing Why do things have to be confusing? I had this nice long discussion with Da'Kotah last night (well rather this morning at like 2 or 3) and he knows how I feel about everything and I got a glimpse into how he's feeling. There's still questions running through my head that I want to ask but at the same time I don't want to push him away from me. I really care about him and want him to be happy but he doesn't seem happy to me. He has told me that he was happier with me and things were better before she came along but at the same time, he's always had these feelings for her and I can understand not wanting to let go of that right away. He does things that make me wonder but I'm afraid of asking too many questions or making a big deal out of it in fear of pushing him away. Da'Kotah and I went to the grocery store a little while ago and when we were standing in line, he bent over to kiss me, but I moved away before he could. When I asked him about it, he just said he did it to see what I would do. I feel like there's more to this but...I don't know. I just want to know for sure what he's going to do, whether he decides to stay with her or be with me. If I knew for sure he didn't want to be with me, then I could move on to other people, but with him being iffy like this and saying the things he's saying to me, I can't help but be frustrated. I want some sort of sign, I want him to decide and soon. I hate this waiting game, waiting around for him to decide, waiting for him to get the courage to break up with her. Why can't things be simple? Why can't life be simple? I honestly wonder if he seriously sees himself with her in the future, kids included. I wonder what he looks for in a woman, looks aside. I want to ask but how do I go about asking without seeming like it's all for me. All things aside, I don't see him being happy with her. He's not ready for kids right now. He wants a life, freedom. Ah well. Hopefully things will get resolved and soon.



	2007.07.20 01.41 More thoughts I hate this. My life feels like a freakin drama. My roommate, Da'kotah, was sick last night and left work to go to the hospital because he felt so bad. This was around 2 in the morning and him and his girlfriend didn't get back until around 9 this morning, and when Da'kotah went to work to fill out some paperwork, he found out he may no longer have a job, but he doesn't know for sure. Around 1 or so he was laying on the couch watching TV, feeling bad and his girlfriend was in the bedroom playing WOW or messing on the computer or sleeping, I don't know. So anyway, and I go in the living room to see how he was feeling and he had this really sad, pathetic look on his face and he pretty much told me in a nutshell that he made a mistake leaving me. He had said his life had gone to hell after leaving me and that he knew it was going to happen. I had no clue what to say, so I pretty much told him I still cared about him and he said he cared about me too and then I went to take my shower. At this point so many things were running threw my head, so many emotions, and even now still. I don't know what to say to that. Part of me is absolutely giddy because I hope that he breaks up with her very soon, but at the same time, I'm afraid he's going to stay with her for a good while, either because A) the good times counterbalance the bad times enough to make up for it for now or B) he feels bad for her because she pretty much has no where else to go (which is mostly true but she still has her mom to stay with). It seems that they may stay together for a little while at least because we're all(we being Da'kotah & co. and Matt & Amanda and I) still looking for a place big enough for us. If he does plan on staying with her, I just wish he wouldn't have told me what he did, but again at the same time, it makes me feel better knowing he's not always happy with being with her, and they are going to eventually have a falling out. I just don't know what I would do if and when they break up; do I go back to him or do I just act like nothing ever happened between us? I don't want to get hurt again. I feel like I've had the worst luck with dating and I'm tired of being hurt. And all this is just on top of how I've been feeling lately. I've also been extremely worried about my dad lately, ever since my great-grandfather's wife died and I went to her funeral. I just worry that something will happen to my dad, and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him. I worry about my mom and little brother, what would happen to them if anything happened to my dad. My mom told me before my dad started his chemo that without the chemo, there's a 75% chance of the cancer coming back and even with the chemo he still has a 50% chance of it coming back and that bothers me. Then add to the mix my financial worries, worried about not having a place to live or not being able to make a car payment, living from paycheck to paycheck. It all sucks. It's like all my friends around me have their parents helping them out and I've got nothing. I have to survive on my own. I had the opportunity to live back home with my parents but I can't do it. I get depressed just being back in my hometown. It gets to me in ways I can't describe. I feel so much more alive when I'm NOT there. Back home, I'd just being going to work and home and when I got back in school just going to school and work and home and that's it. It's like I do enough to just function and get by but I'm pretty lifeless there, biding my time till I can leave. And back home, the only people I have to go to is my parents and as much as I love them, there are things I'd rather not talk to them about, although at this point I don't know who to turn to about EVERYTHING I'm feeling without intruding too much or boring the hell out of people. It's so weird because sometimes when you're surrounded by the most people is when you feel the most alone. I figure at least I have the last Harry Potter book to look forward to.



	2007.07.16 21.19 My Thoughts I found out today my dad started losing hair from the chemo, so he shaved his head and trimmed up his beard a lot. My dad has always had scraggly hair and a full beard and mustache, so I wonder what he looks like. They rescheduled the chemo he had to skip due to low white blood cell count for tomorrow, and I hope that he can do it. It's so weird, even still, thinking about my dad having cancer, even though I found out about it over six months ago. So much has happened in these past six months. I've just been through so much crap in the past six months..hell the past year. Things happened I never thought would happen. I just want things to be....not necessarily normal...but just good. I've been emotionally and financially drained and I just wish I could be happy and with money. It's so frustrating, too, that I can't seem to snag a guy. I know it sounds ridiculous, but being surrounded by people who are happy in relationships, it gets frustrating. I live with two couples, though I don't think one of them will last. My sister is getting married in January. I have one friend that got married recently and another getting married in November. My parents have been married for 24 yrs. A lot of my family members seem like they're in happy relationships. So it can be frustrating. My mom told me today that my sister's fiancé was going to have a lot of single friends at the wedding. I'd also like to be financially stable and go back to school, but it's hard, especially having friends that like to take advantage. Well so I only had one, but I feel like I wouldn't be struggling as much financially if it hadn't been for him. I know I'm just as responsible but still. Eh, I don't feel like saying much else right now. I may write more later, to bitch.



	2007.06.09 18.30 frustration I know I haven't written a journal on here in a while and it seems like the only time I ever do write one is when I'm having problems. This time it's another guy problem. I know it sounds...pathetic and my life really doesn't revolve around guys. I always seem to have the worst luck when it comes to relationships and guys. I can never manage to snag the ones that actually want to BE in a relationship with ME. At the end of the fall semester, I moved in with a friend of mine, Amy. Then during the spring semester, which I took off from school, I found out my dad had cancer and so at the end of March, I decide to go home for a month. Shortly before that, I got offered to move in with my friend, Da'Kotah. His girlfriend was living with him at the time but they ended up breaking up and she moved out right before I moved in. When my friends found out where I was going to be living when I came back to Nac, they all seemed to think that Da'Kotah would be the guy that would be there for me, that would take care of me and want to be with me. I thought so too because I thought I knew how he was. He too needed someone different, because from what I had heard and knew about his 3 most recent exes, they were all bitches. They were always jealous, had some sort of mean streak and were generally disliked amoung Game Club. Friends thought Da'kotah and I would be good for each other. I kind of just blew what everyone said off and didn't think anything would happen. That thinking didn't last long. A couple of weeks after coming back to Nac, we end up getting frisky and about a week later(this was only a couple of weeks ago) we decide to start dating. I was actually quite happy about this because I finally felt like I found someone who was actually good for me, and for once my friends were right about something that involved my romantic life. Then a week ago, one of his old female friends decided to come visit, not knowing he was dating me. He had told me she was interested in him at one time, but didn't know if she was anymore. She has two kids, and she just found out her boyfriend had cheated on her 3 times, and was wanting to get away from her kids and get some comforting. When she showed up, I realized it was someone I knew from years ago, before Da'kotah knew her. I didn't like her then and I don't like her now. It became quite obvious that Da'kotah and I were dating the first day she was here and I assumed..hoped..that she'd just stay until Sunday or Monday, but Monday came and went and still she was here. I felt like she liked him and stayed to try to get with him. I felt like someone was intruding in on my space even though I had only been there a month, and I didn't like that feeling. Living with Da'kotah, I felt like for the first time I belonged there, like it was my home too, and I'm protective..particular about who comes in and messes with my space. Finally on Thursday, I confront...well I end up breaking down and telling him how I feel about her. I wasn't completely honest and didn't tell him that I didn't like her because I didn't want to seem like a bitch or seem rude. He comforts me and tells me that everything's going to be OK. What bullshit. I had been sleeping in his bed at night because my furniture isn't here in Nac yet, and I had been sleeping on a futon, and so when I woke up Friday morning and he wasn't in his room, it seemed kind of weird, but I don't think anything of it. We, the three of us, go shopping at Wal-Mart, then we go back to the apartment and just kind of hang out. I started getting a headache around 5ish and ended up laying down on one of the couches and was dozing it and out while they watched a movie. Then I wake up to one of the biggest shockers in my life..well not really but...I woke up and looked over at them and they were inches from each other's face looking as though they were either about to kiss or just had kissed. I get my shoes and keys and left. I ended up coming back to the apartment with two of my friends and the two of them and his brother were all outside and he looked really apolgetic. He told me that he had had feelings for her for a while but thought they had gone away until he had kissed her the night before or so and they came rushing back. I just stood there crying wondering why this happened to me...again. I told him I felt like he didn't care about me. He looked like he was crying a bit but that really didn't make me feel any better. When I had left earlier he didn't even bother to come after me. I finally looked at him and said "Well I guess I got screwed..Again" and walked off. What's sad is that my friend's boyfriend, not Da'kotah, is the on that came after me. I ended up staying at their apartment last night and cried quite a bit. Knowing that I was going to have to talk to him eventually, I tried to see if a friend would come over last night after work but he ended up not, because he ended up going over to Da'kotah's. I end up talking to him earlier today, and I decided I was going to call Da'kotah and see if he wanted to talk to me alone, but I come to find he's out of town with her, in the town she's orginally from and where her mother and son are at. So now I pretty much have to wait until they come back to talk to him, and I don't know when that'll be. I'm scared..no...terrified about talking to him because I'm afraid of the end result. I feel like maybe he's already made his decision. I don't know though. I want to be able to talk to him alone without her. Yea I know I probably sound pathetic. All this just frustrates me because I was hoping to finally be in a good relationship and I get screwed over again. I also know that maybe I should just take a break but you know, it's hard when there's people all around me that are in GOOD relationships and that have lasted and I've had the shittiest luck with relationships. It makes me mad because I want to be happy so bad.



	2007.02.17 09.05 dreams I had this really really weird dream last night and for some reason it's really getting to me. Let me start off by telling you about this dream i had a couple of weeks ago. Both of the dreams are about the same thing pretty much...you'll see what I mean. The one a couple of weeks ago was as follows: I was hanging out with people from Game club and for some reason i was told to go to some cafeteria or something to meet up with this guy i'm really interested in, but instead was just another friend of mine, so I leave and start walking around when the guy i like calls me and asks why i didn't show up and such, and said that the reason he wanted to see me was to ask me out, that he wanted to be with me. That dream was a little weird. but the dream i had last night was really weird. In it, I was talking to the same guy over IM and everything seemed fine, then suddenly he was going on about he just wanted to be single, he didn't want to be with me, and i was too obsessive, stuff like that. And then i started dozing off and my roommate had told me that Shawn had come over briefly and I told him "Joe hates me" and then i was out asleep. Then the next day(in my dream) I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and Joe was there, and I asked him if he'd ever give me another chance in the future, and he replied with "why does it matter?" which had apparently gotten to me in the dream and still kind of bothers me. Dreams are subconscious right? so maybe the first dream is just what i wish would happen, and the second dream is just what i fear will happen. Meh, well enough ranting for now.



	2007.02.10 22.24 This Life You know, I never thought anything bad would ever happen to me. And I mean really bad. The worst thing I've ever have happen in my life is when my 9 yr old cousin died on valentine's day when I was 13 and in 8th grade. It didn't REALLY hit me until the funeral. Since then life has had it's usual ups and downs. I've dealt with a few bouts of depression but always got through it and now I feel like I've really found some truly amazing friends, and I'm so grateful for them. I have one friend that I care about so much and want to be with so badly that it hurts sometimes. It's been so tough, so hard to try to just be friends for now, and just hope that he does eventually want to be with me. And then about two weeks ago, I received some very devastating news: My dad had a cancerous tumor in his bladder. Last Monday he went into surgery to have it and a second tumor removed. The tumors were sent to pathology along with a sample of my dad's bladder. Thursday, my parents, and later my sister and I, found out that my dad still had cancerous cells in the bladder wall and they didn't know if the cells had invaded the rest of his body. It scares me to death to think that something could happen to someone that close to me. I'm only 21. My dad can't go now. I want him to see me graduate college, to be proud of me for graduating, see my little brother grow up. My little brother needs him. Why does life have to suck??</font? Mood: worried



	2007.01.23 02.00 sigh ever feel like you're so close to having something that it's right at your fingertips yet still out of reach? that's how it is with me and a certain guy. Before Christmas, things seemed to be going OK, but then the break happened, and now since he's been back, it's almost like he's regressed and now acts like he has no interest in me. The one good thing that happened was the shower we took together. That was so damn hot. But after that, he seemed really distant. He's spent the night twice at my place so far this semester though and ate dinner over here another time, so you'd think things are going fine...but noooo....the only time we've really kissed since last semester was right before and during that shower we took together, he doesn't even bother to give me parting kisses anymore. Tonight seemed a little better. We watched the original "Clerks" at my place, and I had my head on his shoulder for the latter half of the movie. That doesn't sound like much, but before it always seemed like he would shift to be more "comfortable" which would make where I could be as touchy feely as I would like. Also when I dropped him off, it seemed as though he was about to give me a kiss but thought better of it. Which to me, could mean two things: 1) He's just trying to be nice because he knows I like him or 2) He really does have feelings for me and isn't sure how to approach the situation but he knows I like him. I'm rooting for the first one personally but who knows. Before tonight, I was ready to give up, but things seem to be changing ever so slightly. On another note, I'm hoping to get a new job this week. I'm tired of delivering pizza. It's a crappy job and I hate it. I'm also hoping to get all of my friend's stuff out of my place so I can finally go hope and get my own stuff and food (namely chicken because my mom gets it free.) Well that's all for now. Good night.



	2006.12.11 02.13 Life's a bitch isn't it? I'm getting so fed up with my family. I really just feel like cutting them off completely. I want to get all my crap from home and move in with Amy and just not talk to them anymore. I don't want to go home for christmas. I don't want to talk to them or deal with them. I constantly feel like they lecture me about my life and hold me back from what I really want to do and be. They complain because I don't talk to them and I'm not honest and open with them but I feel like if I were, they'd just lecture me on what a bad job I'm doing in life. I'm constantly being compared to my sister who's supposedly this perfect daughter who's done everything right, and here I am, the screw-up who can't get her life in order. I know that they want me to do well in life but it doesn't help when I feel like I'm being held back by the same people who want me to do well. They want me to be better off than them, but they never seem to talk about doing what makes me happy. They just expect that money makes life better. I also get really annoyed when they can't be happy about what makes me happy. I try to show off my photography to them, and they're like "Oh that's nice" then just brush it off. Why can't my parents just be proud of me? I know I'm not that good of a photographer but I want to get better. They just act like they don't care. My sister talks like she wants to be involved in my life, but if she knew the stuff going on in my life, she'd just lecture me. She says she cares more than my friends do but I've gotten to where I feel like my friends here are more like family than they've been. I think this has been enough of a rant. I'll come back with more later I'm sure.



	2006.12.05 19.04 Worried I'm worried about losing the closest thing I have right now to a best friend at SFA, even though when the semester is over, we're going to be staying together for a month. I'm frustrated with him because he's so wrapped up in his drama that he can't seem to hang out with his friends anymore, and I feel like I can't help make him feel any better either. He's soooo caught up in being with this girl that he can't seem to function. He's sooo worried about what's going to happen....a little too worried, a little too caught up in it and I feel like now if I need him, he'll be too busy trying to make that work that he won't have time for me. I know he wants to be with her but, sometimes it's just best to tell that person how you feel and then see how things go from there. if he's too focused on trying to figure things out, then that could scare her away. He needs to give her time to figure things out. I want him to be happy but I feel like he's going about it the wrong way. I also want to know that if and when he gets in to a relationship with this girl, that I won't be left out in the cold, so to speak, that I'll still be a part of his life. That's what really scares me, the idea that he'll be too wrapped up in the relationship with her that he won't have time to be my friend anymore.



	2006.11.28 21.53 Sadness....sort of You know it's really frustrating this feeling I currently have. It's that feelign you get when you've just experienced something amazing, when you've had the most amazing time of your life and then it's suddenly over...with the snap of a finger it's gone. The past month and a half has been absolutely amazing. I hate that it's over now. I want it back. :-( I want to be happy. I met a guy that I'm interested in, but I'm afraid it won't work out. I don't to get too attached and I'm trying not to invest too much into this but I can't help it. I'm afraid that over christmas break he'll lose interest or maybe he won't come back. Also, I'm starting to get annoyed with my parents. I know they just want what's best for me but sometimes what they want isn't always what I want. And to top it off, I think they're frustrated with me now, because I brought home a friend they aren't fond of. I also feel like I can't find anyone to vent to. The one person I usually feel like I can vent to is having his own problems and I don't want to bother him. Oh well... Maybe things will get better.



	2006.10.30 10.11 You ever feel like something you did like yesterday morning seems days ago? or something you did only a week ago seems like a month ago? and something that happened a month ago seemed to happen forever ago? that's me right now. I've been having long ass days lately and something that happened a week ago seems forever ago. I must say though things have been interesting lately. I'm not sure what's going on anymore. My life has turned into a soap opera. Never thought that'd happen to me. On another note, Saturday night was fun. Hehe. I called my friend Shawn when I got off work because he wanted to hang out when I got off. Him and Plumley, another friend, were at a party and told me to come on over. So I did...and I'm quite glad I did too. Me and Plumley ended up flirting the entire night, and we went back to his place. And apparently he doesn't leave a party early for just anything. :-D



	2006.10.28 15.32 whoa yea....so what is with all these boys? grrr....I get attracted to the married ones and the ones that aren't married and i'm attracted to turn out to be a bit of a douche. i've gotten to be really close to these two guys that are both married with kids and are in their late twenties, and it's quite sad because they are both having problems in life right now and I feel bad for both of them. I suddenly feel like i've become the "best friend" to both of these guys too. yea...things are complicated in my life. never thought it would get complicated. I've been working my ass off lately, school is getting to me, and i haven't had a good night's sleep in a good 2 or 3 weeks nor have i had a good meal in that long either....well except for yesterday at lunch...that was good...corn, pinto beans, mashed potatoes and gravy and chicken fried steak...i'm feeling up and down and currently i feel hungover. groans i'm gone



	2006.10.26 01.35 grrrrrr Work sucked!! At one point I seriously thought I was going to break down and just start crying. It wasn't just work that was getting to me. It's everything. It's school, work, my car, and relationships in general (friends, boys, etc.) At work today, it got so busy that at one point I was given 5 pizzas to deliver at one time. Usually at the most I get 3 at one time. And anyways I was on my way to deliver the 4th one, and I end up with one tire in the ditch, which sucks because I had already backed into a pole less than a week earlier. Thank God I got some help and these two men pushed my car out. There are nice people in this world apparently. So, anyways, that was just one thing that happened. The other major thing is that Tyrone is a complete douchebag, because he was being so pissy about work. Granted, I wasn't feeling up to par either, but I knew I had to suck it up and keep on. He finally asked if he was done, and Thad(the closing manager) said that he was done delivering pizzas, but had to help catch up the dishes. Tyrone walked off towards the back, then came back to the front a few minutes later, and said that he was done and started taking off his name tag. Thad asked him if he was quitting, and he didn't say anything. Thad then started chewing him out about all the chances he gave Tyrone. There had been days when he didn't show up for work, others when he'd be late and be slow about delivering. So basically Tyrone quit and didn't bother helping us with the shitload of dishes we had. Grrrr. This isn't the first time I've had to close and ended up with a crapload of dishes. It pisses me off that he acted so childish. On another note, I'm feeling sort of confused too. I can't quite explain it either. Well rather, I shouldn't. It's so weird being.....close to....someone.



	2006.10.25 13.49 life is weird yea um.....Life is weird and strange to me. Ever since I got to SFA, I've had things happen to me that I never thought would happen. Seriously, if someone had told me two years ago that these things were going to happen to me, I would have laughed and been like "Stuff like that will never happen to me." I've had my first of several flings. I made someone cry and another depressed(both of which I feel bad about). I've seen guys naked. I've gotten drunk, only twice though. I've spent the night with guys. I've actually been told how good-looking I am which suprises me. I've been sought after. I'm getting into something that's so taboo. Well actually a couple of somethings that are taboo, only once of which people actually know about. Some of the things I've gotten into, my parents would kill me for, but do I care? No. At this point, I've accepted the fact that I'm the rebellious one out of me, my sister and brother. Considering some of the things I've done though, maybe even out of my entire family. I don't think anyone in my family would date a black guy. I'm not too sure where that's going though. I get to see him tonight so maybe I'll have an update for that. Ah well that's really it for now. I got bored so I decided to put this up.



	2006.10.20 14.48 it seems like it's been so long since I've been happy like this. Happiness is a great thing. wondering why I'm so happy? I'm not so cynical about boys anymore. I must admit there are some decent guys out there. granted the first one I find was married, but now, things are good. it's weird though, because, I feel like we're from two completely different worlds. Also, it's so taboo, especially in the south and though you see it often where I'm from, it's still taboo. It's still nice though, so I'm not going to let it bother me. It's so nice to see that someone has taken an interest in ME. Someone who's part of the crowd I always hated in high school. well that's it for now. I know I'm being a bit discreet, but I'll say more later on, when I know for sure what's going on. :D



	2006.10.08 06.44 Grrrrr :-( you know I should have known better. I think, more than anything, I'm upset with myself for falling for these unattainable guys. it's so frustrating because it seems like all the great guys are gay or completely unattainable(meaning: married). I did notice he had a ring on but it wasn't on his ring finger, so I thought that it was just something that he wore, but now that I think about it, guys really don't wear jewelery for the hell of it do they? he was the nicest sweetest guy I've come across since, well this summer. I bet anything that my friends that disapproved of me liking this guy is going to be like "told you so", which will bother me more, because I should have known better. after I found out he was married, I just went quiet and just kind of stopped talking and went about my work. I will say though to anyone that reads this, I'm up for going on blind dates. I'm tired of being lonely.



	2006.09.03 01.04 new semester so school has started for this semester. i'm so glad to be back. i think my favourite class is going to be my astronomy class and my computer science class, even though my astronomy teacher is boring as hell. the way he looks though reminds me of beekman's world, which is hilarious. i ran into this guy wednesday, david, that i had a fling with last fall, and i never expected to see him again, much less him actually acknowledge me. he's partners with one of my friends, christina, in an acting class they have together. i'd kind of like to date him, seriously date, not just some random fling. he has a crush on christina though but atleast she doesn't like him back. anyways, then i met this guy, technically i first met him yesterday but he was around more this evening and his name is xander(zander?) which i think is an awesome name. he's quite cute too. he has the nickname orgy guy though because me and some of my friends were in this comfy room in the lobby of mays hall and my friends wrote on the board that there was supposed to be an orgy at like 7:55 pm(just some random time we picked) and he actually showed up at that time and asked when the orgy would start(he'd came in earlier and seen us writing the "announcement"). yea nothing much else has happened that was all that interesting.



	2006.04.26 21.17 meh nothing is going on in my life....it's completely boring. i'm just ready for the semester to be over with. i'm hoping to be going to six flags over texas may 6th. bleh...there's nothing else to talk about



	2006.04.26 21.17 meh nothing is going on in my life....it's completely boring. i'm just ready for the semester to be over with. i'm hoping to be going to six flags over texas may 6th. bleh...there's nothing else to talk about



	2006.04.05 18.27 Bleh I have a test tomorrow in economics...uggghhhh...i hate economics. on a better note I might be able to play "Kingdom Hearts II" tomorrow or this weekend :D I spent the afternoon taking pictures of one of my friends, Drew, for my photography class. I get to take some more pictures of some of my other friends tomorrow. I'm slightly disappointed because I was going to go to Six Flags over Texas in Arlington this weekend but the friend I was going to go with is helping her sister move this weekend.

2006.03.28 14.17
Found out what I already knew

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

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agnosticism

88%

Buddhism

75%

Satanism

75%

atheism

54%

Paganism

54%

Islam

50%